The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
