I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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