ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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