There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
