My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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