If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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