just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize