Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
