Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
