I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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