Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
