I think I died a long time ago.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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