Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
two words: eviction party
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
