he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I touched a dick in church today
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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