dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
