Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
