On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
