i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
