Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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