I faked an abortion last night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
