My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
