I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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