please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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