so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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