the condom got lost in my hair
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
