I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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