Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
