I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
