I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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