Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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