i think i have two assholes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
