Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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