everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
