I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
