you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i out mim tonsoeep
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