I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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