Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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