i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
