I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize