shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
