you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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