Don't make out with my wife yet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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