We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
