May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My life is pants optional.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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