i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
