Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
