fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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