Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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