I just pynch a tree in the face
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
