Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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