I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
