It's Friday. Sex?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
