i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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