I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
