So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
