pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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