wrigley field is MILF paradise
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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