I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
