totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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